SCENE III (formatted for easy reading)
(JOSEPHINE sits on the couch fanning herself. She clings to her bloody arm. ENTER JUNE with a tray of tea from the kitchen, nearly knocking into JASON as he enters with bandages from the bathroom. SAM stands suspiciously by the window ‘patrolling’ with a nerf gun.)
JUNE: (setting tea down) Here you go, Ms. Rossi.
JOSEPHINE: Thank you.
JASON: (dressing wounds) Since when did you start buying tea?
JUNE: Why? Did the news say there’s a recall on tea now or something?
JOSEPHINE: Oh, my heart.
SAM: Your heart? Look at your arm.
JUNE: Sam! (To Josephine) Jason will fix you right up. He took half an EMT course back when he wanted to be a fire fighter. It lasted long enough to learn how to put a Band-Aid on just right.
JASON: Good thing for you June's clumsy. I got lots of first aid experience. Guess I won’t have much use for it anymore.
JUNE: Maybe you can use it to impress your next patient.
(JOSEPHINE moans in pain.)
JASON: I know, I've had to listen to that passive aggressive tone for years.
JOSEPHINE: My arm. Oh, my heart. Oh… (rattles something off in Italian and makes the sign of the cross)
JUNE: We're so sorry about those boxes. If someone had taken them like they should've then—
JASON: Oh yeah, sorry for running around the city like a crazy person trying to save my ex-wife. Let me see your arm, Mrs. Rossi.
JUNE: Oh "save me"? You mean spy on me.
JOSEPHINE: Oh, everybody was-a screamin'.
JUNE: (Beat) Sorry about the yelling. That’s all on me.
JASON: Wow, mark that on the calendar.
(DOUG bursts into the apartment with his flashlight and taser drawn)
DOUG: Everyone remain calm! (Running around each room) Kitchen—Clear!
SAM: Great! Who called this guy?
DOUG: Bathroom—clear!!
JUNE: I did.
SAM: Juuuuuuune!
DOUG: Bedroom—clear!!
JASON: Sure, let’s add another monkey to the circus. And he has a taser. Great idea.
DOUG: (Stops, shining his flashlight in SAM’s face) Can-o-Spam.
SAM: Oh hi, Dougle. The Village People called, they want their costume back.
DOUG: Yeah, well, your.. face.. called.. (Beat) In.. sick.
SAM: Faces don’t call in sick, people do. Doi! Why are you carrying around a taser?
DOUG: Taser? (Putting it away) What taser? (Waves his hand in front of SAM’S face like Obi Wan) This is not the taser you’re looking for.
SAM: For the last time, Dougle! The force is not real!
JASON: Feed me to the zombies. Somebody. Please.
DOUG: Does your mom know you’re here? I bet she doesn’t, dot-dot-dot, yet!
SAM: June and Jason are my friends. I’m allowed to be here. Why are you here?
DOUG: I’m the first responder in the building, doi.
JUNE: Can we not relive another sibling dispute right now? Sam, I radioed him because I thought we might need to call an ambulance and the phones aren’t working.
DOUG –No need, (whips chapstick out of his pocket) I’ve been trained to handle this kind of situation. Stand back, ma’am. (applies) I’m going to administer CPR to the patient.
JUNE & JASON: NO!
(DOUG tries to open-mouth JOSEPHINE and she punches him in the nose)
DOUG: OW!
JOSEPHINE: Idiota!
JASON: What are you doing?
JUNE: She doesn’t need CPR, she needs an ambulance.
DOUG: She broke my nose. My nose is broke!
JASON: Doug, would you like a band-aid and a cup of tea?
DOUG: (Pacing – very dramatic) Oh God—this is really happening. I feel it dripping. My nose is broken. Oculi Nasalis is broke! Ambulance! I NEED AN AMBULANCE!
JUNE: I’ll get you ice. Why don’t you sit down?
(JUNE exits to kitchen)
SAM: Yeah before you fall down.
JASON: Sam, would you do something with him?
SAM: What am I supposed to do? I don’t even like him.
JASON: Take him home or something. He’s your brother.
SAM & DOUG: Step brother.
JUNE: (Entering) I still can’t believe that woman got married. Damn it, I
said that out loud didn’t I?