SCENE IX (Formatted for easy reading)
Lights up. DOUG is passed out, tied to their living room chair (poorly with the throw blanket) and gagged with his bandana. JASON and JUNE are pacing.
JUNE: I’m going to jail. I am goooooing to jail.
JASON: Calm down! You’re fine. We’re both… this is fine. He’s not gonna know what hit him.
DOUG groans. JUNE goes to him again.
JASON: Christ, June!
JUNE: I’m sorry!
JASON: Kinda hot, but also kinda scary.
JUNE: You think I’m hot?
JASON: P’yahh! Are you kidding me? I’ve always thought you were hot. C’mon you know that.
JUNE: Yeah but you haven’t said it in a really long time.
JASON: As much as I’d like to argue with you about this, I don’t feel safe doing it while you’re holding a bat.
JUNE: Okay... okay. What do we do with him? He’s a zombie right? That’s what zombies do?
JASON: I don’t think zombies do flying somersaults into living rooms. He’s probably totally normal.
JUNE: Okay five minutes ago you were convincing me he was a frickin’ criminal mastermind. It must be so hard to be in your brain!
JASON: I got a little carried away. I admit it.
JUNE: I think we should attempt some rational behavior and try to talk to him.
JASON: (Taking the gag out of his mouth.) That sounds like an oxymoron, but I’m thinking you’re right…. Doug? Wake up, buddy. C’mon. OFFICER DOUGLAS LONGO AT ATTENTIOOON!
DOUG snaps awake with a scream, JUNE gets ready to hit him again, but JASON catches her.
DOUG: KIDNAPPING! I’M KIDNAPPED! AMBER ALERT! SOMEONE HELP ME!
JASON: (JASON puts the gag back in his mouth) Okay, Doug, buddy, you came in here like an escaped cirque de soleil act and we had to subdue you.
DOUG: (Spits it out) That’s right! You assaulted me with a deadly weapon! And you kidnapped me.
(Gasps) You have Lacy, don’t you? My sweet luscious love! Where is she!? LACY I’M HERE!
JASON puts the gag back in his mouth.
JUNE: Listen, we’re all on the same side here. Can you just answer some questions for us and we’ll let you go? Nod your head if you know what’s going on out there.
(DOUG nods) Okay, that’s good. Are there zombies in our building? (Doug nods) Shit.
JASON: A lot?
Doug nods - zombie noises come from the kitchen area again.
JUNE: What was that?
DOUG: (Spits out gag) I’ve been kidnapped by amateurs! Release me! Before we all get eaten—
JASON puts the gag back in and they all wait until the noises stop.
JUNE: Okay Doug, we came back to the apartment and everyone was gone. Now, can you just calm down and tell us what’s going on?
DOUG: (Nodding, spits out the gag.) Zombies! Doi! I was answering a distress call from Lacy when I saw one coming down your hall. I went to reach for my taser, but someone took it away. Thank God my mutant cat-like reflexes kicked in and I got away. I barely escaped with my life.
JASON: (laughing) Cat-like reflexes.
DOUG: Nope. That’s it! I’m not telling if you’re just going to berate me.
JUNE: No one’s berating you, Doug.
(To JASON) Knock it off.
JASON: (Wiping his tears) I’m sorry. You gotta admit…
(Seeing JUNE glaring at him) Okay continue. Wait a minute, the hallways are totally dark, how do you know you saw zombies? It could’ve been us out there.
DOUG: I don’t go anywhere without my super spykids night vision goggles, Mr. Cooney.
JASON: Of course you don’t.
DOUG: After I saw the beasts, I made it back to the office and I went for my survival kit—
JASON: –Which one did you buy? Sam got the idiots guide, but honestly, I’m thinking it’s not too accurate. Lots of discrepancies—
DOUG: –No, it’s really not as helpful as I thought it would be.
JUNE: Are you two done?
June and Jason have to go to extreme measures....